Nisus
by narquotic
Summary: What do they truly mean to each other, when Inoue was already pregnant with his child? Ichi/Ruki
1. Farewell to Arms

I wanted angst, for some reason. And I diverted off on the part where Inoue was already rescued, and all that-war hasn't ended yet, either.

**nisus  
** n : an effortful attempt to attain a goal.

Summary: What do they truly mean to each other, when Inoue was already pregnant with his child? Ichi/Ruki

OOO

OOOO

OOOOO

OOOO

OOO

It was that type of pain that never lets her go. One that clings on, sapping the life out of the person until it withers away into nothingness. It was those moments that she knew were for all the best. All the things that she believe she could never have, had made its painful realization through reality.

That she was not of their world. And that someday, somehow…he'll find someone to love and to have family with. She had hoped that it was sooner than later.

"Rukia!"

He screamed, as he chased her, shunpo-ing after her slowly fading form in the distance, never knowing that she was capable to move so fast when she truly wanted to escape.

_Escape…_

He wished he could do the same for his situation right now.

"Rukia!"

He didn't mean to, he truly didn't. It was a night of recklessness and passions blurred into something that shouldn't have happened. And why the hell was she running anyways, and why was he chasing after her?

They weren't even together. They didn't establish anything more other than close friendship. They were comrades at best, confidants at a time of death and peril. They were simply friends, just a boy and a girl who understood each other so much, but confused the other to no end…

Right?

Then why does it hurt.

Why does it hurt when Inoue told him she was pregnant…that it _might_ be his baby?

Why does it hurt when she stared at them with such a horrified expression, even graver than seeing her terrified look at her execution?

Why was he running after her?

"Rukia!"

He nearly slammed into her, as she suddenly stopped, suspended in mid-air. Violet eyes shaded by her bangs, hands fisted to her sides as Ichigo looked on with an expectant stare, frightened and concerned at her abrupt halt.

"What are you doing?" she whispered weakly into thin air, as he strained his ear to hear her voice, noting a crack in her usually firm tone.

He gulped, taking a step. He didn't know…he didn't know exactly what he was doing. But Ichigo knew, knew that she might leave—that she might just…just—

"I asked, what the fuck are you doing, Ichigo!?"

Her eyes obscured everything, never looking at him as her shoulders shook, her reiatsu flaring, dwindling to keep what little control she had over it.

"I—" what the hell was her problem? His eyes narrowed, that was his question, and now she was acting all weird. "That's my question, midget. Why are you running—"

"You fool."

She almost spat the words, anger, despair, betrayal, pain and all sort of feelings shattering her already beaten heart into the ground. She herself didn't know why she was running, either. She herself didn't know why it had hurt so much…so much to see, to hear.

_She was looking for him. _

_After the return from Hueco Mundo and their successful rescue of one Inoue Orihime, everything was as peaceful as it could get. Coming to Las Noches had helped slow down Aizen's attempts, as information about invasion of Karakura alerted Seiretei. In which it was swiftly dealt with all the suspension of all worlds links, the shinigami, the hollows and the humans-to be severed. None could go out, and none could go through therefore giving Seiretei a much ample time to mobilize its troops and set up defenses and offenses in both worlds—fully prepared for any attack. _

_Although none had escaped unscathed, all these were granted with at least a welcome party, a day to be thankful to live another day. That was all they needed._

_Everything continued on for about two months of undisturbed training and normalcy. Everyone still up on their toes for any attack as they still led daily lives. _

_Now if only she could find Ichigo. That thick-headed idiot thought he could run away from his training. With his hollow lurking about the depths of his mind, he seriously had no time playing about as if Aizen would come knocking at their world. _

_They had to expect the unexpected._

_It was quite ironic that Rukia forgot to apply such wisdom at the events that unfold before her eyes._

_The raven head was in her shinigami form after destroying some earth-born hollows, and came to retrieve the substitute shinigami for training after he was pulled in by Inoue. Lately, the auburn-haired girl was restless, almost nervous and disoriented. Every time she looked at the orange haired teen, she would blush, and guilt creeping up her eyes. And sometimes, she would glimpse at him with hope bubbling up from gray eyes, looking longingly at him._

_Rukia knew that the girl loved Ichigo, admired and was always concerned for him. She was just that type of person, and as the raven head came to know him longer…she was able to see why._

_And unknowingly falling in the same category as Inoue, but she still couldn't figure out if it was anything deeper than what the auburn-haired woman felt to him. Sometimes she was happy with what they already have: trust, loyalty, friendship. It was the same feeling being with Renji, her friends and her nii-sama, but sometimes…she craved for more. Only she was afraid to take a step, to admit, to take the commitment. But most of all—she was scared of being hurt. _

_Until she was too late and she had been a mile behind, blindingly running into a sword that pierced her all the way through her heart and out her back. _

"_K-kurosaki-kun…" she turned a corner and heard the faint, small voice of Inoue echoing in an empty class._

_The raven haired shinigami promptly stopped, looking for Ichigo or not—she knew that she was not supposed to be an audience in this secret meeting—_

"_What is it Inoue?" his gruff yet gentle tone floated through the halls, Rukia could imagine how the orange haired teen's brows would soften a bit. She shook her head, standing here was torture—besides, Ichigo gives her the same treatment-no matter how rare, it's not like she hadn't seen this side of him to be alerted over._

"_I-I'm l-late…"_

_Rukia froze in mid-step, violet eyes widening._

_A stretch of silence reigned for a few minutes which seemed to stretch for hours. _

"_Uh…" the orange haired teen scratched his head sheepishly, "Y-you were pretty early this morning—"_

_She hoped that it was about that conversation…she hoped and prayed. Leaving was far from her mind, she wanted to know—wanted to feel relieve, but she knew it was wrong. She had heard of things before, being more than a hundred fifty years old did made her aware of what _that_ implied, and she knew shinigami's were not much different from humans. _

_But what exactly was she doing listening to two people's conversation that would be more or less, the most pivotal event of their lives? Who the hell was she in their life anyways?_

_Nothing…nothing but a living memory of once who died, and lived in a different realm. _

"_N-no, Ku-Kurosaki-kun…I—" her voice cracked a bit as the auburn-haired girl bit her lip. It was so awkward, so frightening. What would he say? How would he react? Would he be mad? Would he leap for joy? There were so many if's that she began to wring her hands together. _

"_A-at the party…we—" she let the words hung in the air, as both blushed, hiding the shame as neither refuse to meet the others' eyes. _

"_Inoue, I-"_

"_Kurosaki-kun…I-I" their eyes met briefly, Rukia held her breath. "I t-think I-I'm pregnant."_

_And she fled._

_Expect the unexpected._

_She did expect, prepared for the worse, strengthened her resolve…but nothing could break her for the truly unexpected…because she didn't train her heart—not for him._

"Rukia…"

He took a step forward, hands outstretched. He didn't care that he left Inoue with a hasty 'We'll talk later.' as he took out his badge and shunpoed for the distress shinigami who had stepped unknowingly into their conversation—her reiatsu leaking carelessly. It wasn't the fact that he was not troubled with Inoue's confession, but rather…rather…_what_?

Ichigo didn't know. But he knew that somewhere deep in his heart, something—_someone _had died.

The rain was eminent.

She stepped back, flinching and he retracted his hands. "You have a bigger responsibility, Ichigo."

Amber eyes widened as he attempted a second try to reach for her arm. "I—"

"Don't. Touch. Me."

He couldn't believe it, but he was hurt. The rain had started.

"Please."

His fingers curled away from her, eyes clouded over with turmoil. "I understand."

He didn't.

And as excruciating, and dense atmosphere, engulfing and drowning both individuals in their own pain, wallowing in their own judgments and thoughts, she broke the silence.

She was a Kuchiki. She was a shinigami. And she finally understood her meaning of existence, her duty, her own rules.

Ichigo Kurosaki was human.

Kuchiki Rukia was a shinigami.

Her only mission was to finish what she started, and there should be nothing more and nothing less.

But it took all of her willpower and years of trained Kuchiki traditions and customs to dissolve everything she ever allowed herself to dream of.

"Kurosaki Ichigo,"

And there was nothing more as heartbreaking to the orange haired male as the fading light of sunset highlighted the beginning and end to all their informalities, to all their childhood, to all their…friendship. In its place, becomes a shell of responsibility. In its place, a mask of indifference. In its place, a gap was born through the misunderstandings and misjudgments that ripped them apart.

She clenched her fists, violet eyes steely, and voice devoid of any emotions that bled forth from her heart, as she wondered when the tears would come. "It has come to my attention of you and Inoue Orihime's union."

And Ichigo could see the pieces break, the rain soaked upon his shoulders.

"Therefore, I have concluded," it was so hard, so hard to pushed down the bile-the _lie_ down her throat, "That it would only be proper that I extend my congratulations."

Piece by piece, drop by drop.

"And that it would be prudent," she doubled her voice, the silence deafening. She couldn't afford letting him in her thoughts, her weakness, her sorrow, "That we _separate_ for the sake of what may come."

This was wrong. His face contorted into helplessness and desperation, knowing what she intends to do-but not wanting it to happen. This was not the Rukia he knew, the Rukia he befriended who talked and acted with cold authority in front of him...

Was not her, "Rukia-"

"We are at war, Kurosaki." and she dropped everything. All the pretensions stripped with that one distant formality to his name. "I do not expect you to protect me, as I am shinigami."

The emphasis was not lost to him. How many times had they talked of their differences, their customs, the rift in their worlds, her pride as a warrior. "More than ever…"

Their eyes met, in that single moment in time—she willingly slipped her hands away from him.

"You need to protect Inoue,"

The rain raged on, a tempest in the midst of darkness.

"And your unborn child."

Walking away was not that hard, no-it wasn't…because Kuchiki Rukia was dead, and like the dead, she _should_ feel nothing…

Nothing but the cold December wind, bitter and agonizing as she left the orange-haired boy without a shield to the raw pelts of rain that descended angrily from the heavens…

That and nothing more...

OOO

OOOO

OOOOO

OOOO

OOO

How was it? Hate it? Love it? I need suggestions, but revs would be great :):) TY


	2. Cry and Bleed

She kept on walking, not knowing where she was headed. A path to nowhere, an escape to a world that had no exits or entrances-just a vast, white expanse of place to wander.

Walking until she realized that there was no pint of if, of anything at all. Reflecting and mulling over things that shouldn't concern her, things that she shouldn't feel. There were times that she felt she could live in this world forever, a wishful thinking, a thought that calmed her when someday…someday-she will leave it all, leave him.

But now, all she wanted was to forget, to leave-right now, in this moment, at this spot-for the world itself to swallow her. To drown and leave everything that she came to be, the people that she knew and the hardships she went through. It was so easy to just drop everything right now.

Then why?

Why was it so hard to drop _him_? She was ready to give up all the things, now that she had left him. But at the moment that she turned and walked away…felt like everything had just crashed down, the world turning against her as it crumbled upon her shoulders. Weakening her strength, draining all what she wanted to be, stripping her heart into something she'd never had the time to see. When did walking away for some human been so difficult for her?

When did the tears fell?

Rukia stopped, her feet coming into a slow halt, as her fingers shakily went up to her cheeks. The dampness in them was unmistakable, the coolness of the foreign drops sliding down the curves of her face, dribbling down to her chin.

How long had she last cried?

And one by one they fell, brimming full in her eyes-blinding her sight, coloring the world into watery gray and finally the pain came in full swing. She was never one to shed a tear. She was never one to run with her emotions and cry like a child. She was never one…because she was a Kuchiki, she was a shinigami.

She'd seen death, smelled fear, sensed all the inevitable dangers that would come. The death of her senpai—Kaien-dono, taught her that. That in our hearts we have a reason for living, and in our minds we keep them to keep on striving. To keep that goal alive and to fight with whatever means necessary to protect them. And that the most important thing of all was to die alongside a friend…to leave them your heart, and live on in their minds.

Nothing was ever more real to her as the words twisted through her heart and piercing her mind.

She inhaled deeply, ignoring the stab of pain as she closed her eyes—ambers stared back, scared and confused. In this time, she let them fall. Sometimes…you only need to cry, sometimes she takes off her mask as a Kuchiki, and sometimes it was okay to be human.

'_Is this what it feels like when you still lived…with no heart.'_

OOO

OOOO

OOOOO

OOOO

OOO

Inoue didn't mean to.

She didn't mean any of this to happen.

But the question, truly—was when?

When had she started to love him? To anticipate those amber eyes boring into hers, for her heart to thump at his slightest touch, for her cheeks to blush with one word from him. When had she fallen so deeply, she couldn't find a way out? A reason to keep on loving him, was always there, flickering as in time—grew into such large proportions, she had difficulty controlling them.

Unable to keep her burning feelings in vain as it burned someone, as it engulfed him in flames…as it spiraled out of her control.

Inoue loved Ichigo.

And it was that simple. So simple that she hadn't been completely unaware that there was another who was close to him…maybe even closer than herself.

Meeting Kuchiki Rukia was nothing more than just a fleeting thought of a being simple. She had befriended the raven haired girl in time, had seen her finer qualities, her origins and a hidden personality befitting of that a noble and a warrior.

Inoue admired her.

Admired her for the strength she lacked, praised her for her capability to handle her responsibilities, accepted her for her undying loyalty and devotion to her friends. But somewhere, somehow—the admiration turned into bitter jealousy, something so dark that she became shameful of herself.

In times that she found Ichigo was when he was with her, times where he found them bickering so amiably was always with her, and in times where they fought, side by side…never leaving each other's grasps.

It pained her, and the hatred grew.

She wanted all those, wanted all his time, his love, his comfort, his protection…his directed at her. And Kuchiki Rukia became an obstacle, a friend in the battlefield and a foe for his heart.

It was so selfish.

So disgustingly selfish, that going that far…hoping that far, and now that she had it. Now that she felt him, expressed her love in the most intimate ways possible, she was scared.

When he ran out after her, she broke down. When he brushed past her as he took out his badge she felt her heart broke. When he found out that Rukia was more important than _them,_ she sank to her knees-defeated.

Hating herself for what she had done. She was supposed to heal, she was supposed to protect, but she couldn't keep in that flame…that burned all what they used to have. And as she kneeled to her brother's shrine, a semblance of what she should've been came back to her.

Guilt and shame eating her insides, that she was afraid that it would kill the child…their child. But nothing was more frightening, more tragic…as he knocked on her door, still in his shinigami clothes…

She gasped at the sight, a hand covering her mouth as amber eyes clouded with such dark emotions swirled in their depths. His posture deadened—his features sorrowful…and Inoue wished,-wished she could turn back time. Wished that she had smelled the rain after the fire, and wished that she didn't see the hollow smile, a crushed expression that squeezed at her heart…

"Inoue—"

His voice came out raspy, as tears began to fall from her eyes. She thought he wouldn't come. She thought she didn't deserve him…she thought, and the disgusted, shameful feeling slapped her back in the face.

"Sorry, I'm late."

He was staying with her…

And the world never felt heavier upon her shoulders, as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, wishing to never let go.

'_I'm so sorry, Kuchiki-san…'_

The tears were not for herself, neither was it for Ichigo…but rather for her own selfishness.

For a friend who left without a heart.

'_Please forgive me…'_

OOO

OOOO

OOOOO

OOO

wow, well never knew you guys are angsty lovers lol but thanks for the revs, hope ya'll enjoy this instalment! :) :) 'til next time!:)


End file.
